Agent Provocateur

The Broken Window

2008-07-22T15:23:51Z

Ill say not what was said. But what was said was said about my mother and when she died. I know there are many horrible things that Ive spat out over the years (to Brooke mostly although there have been several others i should have done better by) and I curse my words even more now that something as just horrible has been returned to me.

Not Bald Girl

2008-07-18T06:29:23Z

A very strange thing happened at work today: I was unable to shave a girls head. She had, or rather still has, long and beautiful dark hair. Thick and slightly wavy; true womanly crowning glory.

And it was all going to go away. I had been menacing every woman in the office, no, the whole city for two days now with shaved heads but on the cusp of actually stripping her down to nothing, hesitation congealed into confusion and inaction.

I froze on the air. I couldn't complete the bit. I tried to force an outcome but nothing came. I tried to play it off as a bluff—that I had tried to trap her but it was a lie. I just couldn't do it.

She was in front of me, facing away and sitting, and I grew hot sick and failing because I knew I was ruining something I had conceived to be great. The photos would be awesome on the website and the simple brutality of the action would appeal deeply to so many.

How could he shave that chick bald? Holy shit. That Fitz is a bad ass motherfucker.

I didn't do it. She was willing I stopped. But why? I've done much worse to far nicer and not thought twice. Why did I cock block my own bit right at the very end? The calls, and emails, and texts messages were jovial and ball busting and unnerving. Unsettling and while not unkind or unexpected seemed so close to painful they were.

I didn't know and it was eating me. I perform, Im a performer, that's what I do and I like it and have been rewarded for it. Twenty minutes later while talking to some hackneyed comedian, a cut rate Catskills Shecky Greene, it came to me.

My mother had been bald at the end. It had stopped me completely and totally and with the finality that comes from devastatingly unexpected attack.

I've been told that my feelings will manifest themselves in interesting ways. This was the first time it happened on the air. I wonder if it will happen again.

Purple Spots

2008-05-06T12:16:17Z

I miss mom so much right now. Im scared because of my chest hurting all the time; Im going to a new set of doctors asap for a different set of eyes on it. I want so much for her to be here so she can, well, be my mom.

Im very afraid that Im sick. I wonder if this is what happens, you know? You have a heart attack and things arnt normal ever again. I accept that I wont live as long as I might have but...I just dont want to be sick and I dont want to die.

So Im frightened but this is what being an adult is and I have no illusions about it. But its not just my fear that is driving my sadness. For many years I had, with no one knowing, used her as my motivation. I would tell people "Im not aloud to die until my mother does." and I used the idea of not causing her any worry as motivation through some grim times.

But now that shes gone Im casting about looking for "the why" to keep going. I know that I dont love life so much as I fear death and my only wish was that I would outlive her so that she would not suffer as her mother is suffering now.

So my chest hurts. My left arm aches. And I miss my mother.

20 Pounds

2008-05-02T06:18:22Z

My inside forearm bruised with blood thinners elbow sudden sharp 90 degree pain 20 pounds came up 2 times, above my head 12 times, and pulled to the chin a final 12. As I left I felt, after so many new and frightening pains, a familiar one.

I don't know if it was good or bad but it was at least something I knew.

Zipper Down

2008-04-12T08:32:14Z

Im glad you came; it was nice to see you.

A slight note

2008-04-06T23:15:50Z

http://legacy.com/SignOnSanDiego/Obituaries.asp?Page=Lifestory&PersonId=107111257

Neverland at Night

2008-04-05T09:02:54Z

In the link below you will find photos of Micheal Jackson’s Neverland Ranch at night; a candy bar underneath a box propped up with a stick would have been a more obvious child trap but only slightly so.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/tunnelbug/sets/72157603558879859/

11:15 March 29th

2008-03-30T08:09:05Z

I feel much more grown up.

Interesting Experience

2008-03-29T03:15:05Z

Yesterday my grandmother said she wanted my mother to have an obituary in the paper; I wrote it and it came out pretty good. Dee said that I should put my name into it which felt cheap to me. The whole thing has me all over it. Its my expression of my mother; a short verse to her and her alone. For an autobiographical document its spotty on facts and long on gestures but as an expression slow motion explosion of my feelings its the best writing Ive done in a long time.

A loving mother to her son,

Thats all I want anyone to know about me and her; the rest is so much less important and that is the part of her life that made me so lucky. I never felt for lack of love from my mother.

Sooner than later

2008-03-25T12:07:28Z

Ive been told shes screaming a lot and flailing her arms; a 24 hour nurse will be coming tomorrow. My work has said I may go for as long as I need when I need to but I just dont want to until after.

Ive already said good bye.

I heard her speak to me one last time.

I know what I need to do once shes gone.

Do I really need to be there the moment it happens? I wonder if she would know me. Im selfish because my dread of seeing her this way is overmastering my desire to ease her passing. Im not sure that being there would make her feel better but I know that being there would make me feel worse. I told Barry to call me when it seems close. I want to be there but I also want him to call too late.

Ive been taking a lot of pills recently; nothing off prescription but more than I took when I was in Florida. Easter was very difficult for me as if anything can be difficult compared to what Barry is going through.

A good childhood friend of mines brother killed himself a few days after their father died of natural causes. Buck was so sad and heart sick that he took his own life the grief driven him mad. My beliefs mandate that Buck is now in hell being tormented by satans minions for the rest of the rest of everything.

In Hell. Forever. For a terrible mistake brought on by insanity and rending sadness. How can God not forgive his flawed children for being flawed? What Buck did was terrible but it was an error that is cheapened by putting tragic near it. But in hell? With Hitler? And the unknown rapists and murderers of genocidal Africa? God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, all of them together, separate, and as One are love and forgiveness and yet Buck is forever riven from them because of one awful and terrible act.

In those moments I had a crisis of faith that I have never quite recovered from. And now that my mother is getting ready to leave this world I think that shes not leaving this world at all.

She will simply stop. Stop like a bird falling from the sky stop like a fish floating to the surface stop like a deer putting its head down in the bush stop like a sound that ends and does not reverberate.

My whole life my mother has been of one mind and being and now at the end I dont recognize her and cant remember her being any other way than she is now. Her mind if filling with tumors and as they grow she receeds; as they grow my memories of her disappear.

I dont want to go to San Diego; I want what I remember of my mother to remain. This is my selfishness.

I hate riddles

2007-12-22T08:06:24Z

I do. I really do and always have. Someone told me a riddle today and it pissed me off because the answer to a riddle is just some bad joke that the asshole who wrote it thought it was funny. The real punch line of a riddle is having some smug ass riddle queer laughing at how stupid you are.

"Hur hur hur--you got it wrong. The answer is that that the unicorn flies away on Pegasus."
"No, the answer is you're an asshole because only an asshole would think that way."

Here is the riddle in question:

You're driving in your car past a bus stop. There are 3 people there. One is an old lady who is dying. The second is your best friend. And the third is the girl of your dreams. Your car only has space for 1 more person. What do you do?

What do I do? I call 911 and wait for the ambulance to get there is what I do. Why? Because that's what you do when yr not a careless bastard.

But in the logic of riddle-assholedom there is some horseshit about giving your friend the car keys and the old lady flies off on a unicorn with an erection.

"hur-hur-hur"

People who like riddles liken them to logic puzzles which is silly when there is nothing logical about them. What they really are is elaborate knock knock jokes; a simple premise with twist answer. Oh yeah--and some dick laughing at you because you haven't spent your life memorizing an encyclopedia's worth of old vaudeville gags.

Man I hate riddles.

Turn signals? We dont need to show you no stinking turn signals.

2007-12-01T07:17:24Z

Everyone bitches to me how Mexicans are bad drivers and Ive blown them off for being blowhards but after reading an article in the paper about how driving in Mexico City is a huge pain in the ass I think they might be on to something.

Mexicans, while great at mole, are terrible at turn signals and traffic laws according to the article making getting places in Mexico City very difficult. This is compounded by the fact that all the roads only go north.

Speaking of Mexicans, did you see the recently CNN/YouTube Republican debate? What a bunch of acrimonious windbags. Listening to Giuliani and Romney debate is like hanging out with your drunk uncles who havent worked in 8 years. Between the two it was a race to see who could hate Mexicans the most.

"I hate Mexicans!"
"I hate Mexicans more!"
"I'd torture a Mexican with a stun gun!
"Oh yeah? We'll I'd torture a Mexican with a stun gun that I bought at a gun show where you can buy a machine gun without having to show any I.D."
"Oh yeah? Well, I'd own a gun show like that and make Mexicans walk around with funny hats that say 'Im a Mexican'"

The two of them went back and forth with this stuff for a year it seemed like. Of all the guys up there the only not crazy one was Senator McCain.

"Uh, I don't have a problem with Mexicans and we shouldn't be torturing anyone"

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! HISSSSSSSSSSSSS! YOU SUCK MCCAIN! U-S-A U-S-A U-S-A"

So, judging solely by their own commentary, the GOP is almost uniformly for torture and against Mexicans. And if that's not a plan for a new American century, I'd like to see what the Democrats have in mind.

And as a Democrat I have no idea what the Democrats have in mind. As far as I can tell its something about a black guy and some white woman and there might be a lawyer hanging around. But Ive no clear idea so Im going to say they are for free pie and against having to pay for pie.

Yeah, that sounds pretty good to me.

fitzmadrid @ 2007-11-16T02:18:00

2007-11-16T09:19:27Z

The worst part of insomnia is its lonely.

Ive never been able to sleep at night; I recall being 7 years old laying in bed at 4 am not being able to sleep. When I was a child I would amuse myself by talking to imaginary friends until one day while having a rollicking conversation with John Wayne, who chose that evening to swing by the house and chat me up, about the nuances of Cowboys and Indians and how cool the Marines are and why having a yacht that doubled as a Coast Guard cutter was the best thing every in the history of John Wayne and the 8 year old he’s visiting right now, I realized I was talking to a dead man. I was talking to myself. I was talking to no one. I didn’t stop talking to people who wernt there after that but I did start feeling guilty about it.

When I was a teenager I would imagine I was coasting though space in a silent pod and as an adult I listen to the sound of the fan and imagine it’s the huge rotary engine of a B-17. I try and visualize every aspect of the plane Im flying on down to the rivets on the turrets and the ground whipping by. This helps but my sleep is so fragile that even the least disturbance shatters it.

That is until around 5:20 am. When the sky starts to turn that wonderful deep blue so clear and crystalline magical that the sapphires of the world look cheap as red eyed streetwalkers, then I sleep. 6 hours, maybe 7. Not long, no, but placed so awkwardly on the clock its maddening.

So I never been able to sleep. Ive no real idea how I made it through school other than just barely; I don’t know if my grades reflect laziness or exhaustion. I know in life you can be one or the other but both will lead to trouble and low GPA’s.

Because I can’t sleep Ive pursed a career that is amenable to folks who don’t get to bed before 4 AM. My job at KUPD is a blessing I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Sometimes I joke with Larry that when he gets around to firing me (because all DJ’s get fired) that its going to take a gun and a dog to get me out of the studio.

But sometimes I wonder what I would be doing if one of the best inventions of my 20’s wasn’t the internet but the 24 hour grocery store. I know just where to get something good to eat at 3:45 in the morning in 8 US cities and two in Mexico and I can always give someone a ride home after a long evening but I can never drop them off anywhere if getting their before 1PM is important.

The movie 28 Days Later starts with a man walking through a deserted London. Streets strewn with trash but empty. One of my friends noted how odd it seemed I noted that every city looks like that. And they all do at 3:45 in the morning.

3:45 is the best time to see a place. It’s before the delivery men start making their rounds and well after the drunks have made their way home. Its so quiet you can hear the relays clicking in the traffic lights and the compressors that are the baseline of modern sound almost never on. Its like walking onto a huge soundstage that looks just like your city. And it kicks ass. And its wonderful. And its lonely. And I know it very very well.

And I cant sleep.

Ideas

2007-08-15T08:35:51Z

List of Games

Scream your fool head off
Most creative use of X
Spelling Bee
Your Mamma
Karaoke
Guess What Ive Hidden In Angels Body
Booger Rancher
Egg is your Buzzer
The Big Red Roast
Why you?
Tranny Roulette
Beat with a stick
Naked at work
Make Ashley Laugh
Office Races

Phone starters

How fat is too fat
Zoo Deathmatch
Bang Torture Kill
Crush a beer can
Something Outrageous

Phone Pranks
411 dirty word
Embassy's
Craigs List Insanity

Phone Pranks

2
Ive got a thing going with Dish DVR. And I highly recommend it but there are side effects in that now I want to use it in real life and because im like, a moron, I sometimes find my thumb hitting the button. Likes it going to do anything, right? I was a lunch with a girl and she noticed. Whats wrong with your thumb, its all "moving" so Im all...uh....parkinsons! Yeah, thats it. Ive got parkinsons. So then Im trying to rewind the asshole thing I just said with all the twiching I know shes thinking one thing and one thing only: sylphillus. So DVR is great but many I use it too much.

Come get the Studio.

3
Porn wars--buddy takes it too far so now ive got more video of dogs being misused than Michael Vicks dvd collection. I dont know that the dog equivalent of hi 5 over the girls back is but I think ive seen it.

4
Voicemail

5
Slayer-Oke

6
I hear the white tanks, the the white tank park in surprise is actually filled with gas. You just have to bring a funnel.

Tin Cup

2007-07-03T06:05:08Z

Yesterday, the president commuted the sentence of Scooter Libby. What that means is that your drunk brother in law will spend more time in jail for taking a leak in a parking lot than a man convicted of purjury, lying, and obstruction of justice.

He was covering for Former Deputy Secretary of State Richard Armitage and Karl Rove who are the ones who did the actual leaking. They told a dude who then told the world that Valerie Plame was a super secret spy and you shouldn’t talk about your plans to attack America around her because she’ll do something about it.

Like kill you. Did you know she know 800 way to kill a man. And that’s just with her curling iron. Seriously. Ballbreaker. And kind of hot in a super secret spy way; which is the 6th hottest kind of hot. Its right after drunk spy and right before spy with slight mustache.

They didn’t like her husband so they were all “Well, Mr. Jane Bond over there is a dick. Hope no one finds out what his wife does. Hee Hee.”

Well, everyone found out and Libby was the guy who got busted. Why him and not those other guys I don’t know. So he’s busted but not really. Because in the face of this the President not only didn’t go after the guys who were leaking like Michael Jackson in a pre-school, the fall guy didn’t even have to take the fall.

Is it possible to be simultaneously shocked and not surprised? Just when I thought it couldn’t get any more venal, it gets more venal. The president looked at the justice system and said “I-i-it just doesn’t apply. Here. To my people. It different when they break the law. See. Heh-heh. Im the decider and I decide. God Bless America.”

Now I know there are several rednecks out there, and I don’t want to hear from a single one of you ignoramuses so hang up now, that are currently going “but but but Clinton”.

Don’t care; doesn’t apply. Clinton let 140 people off. Drug dealers and tax cheats mostly; I looked it up so don’t doubt me. And several persons guilty of odometer rollbacks. I guess President Bill had a soft spot for used car salesmen.

The point is that none of them damaged our national security and most of them had served quite a bit of jail time. Libby, because the President wants it this way, is getting no punishment for his crimes.

None. Zero. Not even a late fee.

3 years of unsupervised probation and a $250,000 fine. Probation is not punishment; an interlock is punishment. 250,000 dollar would be devastating to you and me. To a guy whos millionaire, no billionaire, friends passed around the hat and came up with several million dollars for his legal team, its nothing. Those guys are some ballers; I would make more money digging in their couch than I would selling blood to vampires.

This is insane. This is so bad that when your kid says he wants to grow up and be president you better check on who his little friends are; they might not be the best crowd. That’s one mans opinion and if you don’t agree with me, you’re wrong. Why do you hate America? Why don’t you support the troops and why do you want the terrorists to win?

Tomato for Lunch

2007-03-26T22:59:59Z

Whats red and invisible?

No tomatos.

Much better.

Red Braids

2007-02-15T05:08:39Z

To all the girls I've loved before
Who travelled in and out my door
I'm glad they came along
I dedicate this song
To all the girls who shared my life
Who now are someone else's girl or wife
I say hello
hello
hello
And hello to you
hi!
hey, its you how you been? hello
gosh? another one? hello!
Hmmm...you too? Hi!

man, I think I got around

Pre-Emptive

2007-02-03T07:29:08Z

IM IN UR CHOWDA SNARLIN' UR TRAFFIC

See...Mooninites, very bad, evil....hate Amurica. See, thats why we need to invade the moon, right. Gotta fight 'em on the moon so we dont have to fight them here. Yeah.

Handy Brooke

2007-01-21T06:40:47Z

I spent today installing wall outlets. Seeing that no one got zapped and nothing has yet caught on fire Im guessing that I did it right.

Ive also noted that several of the wall switches in my house do, like the googles, nothing. And by nothing I mean nothing and not "AWWWWYEAH IM IN MY HOUSE OPENIN' UR GARAGE." which is unfair. If my light switches do nothing in here it should at the least do something across the alley to annoy that lady with all the cats.

Pesos, Pizza, and You

2007-01-10T01:00:03Z

So Pizza Patron is now taking pesos. I thought they already did there are so many Mexicans hanging out at that place. If ever you wanted to see a Chevette with one head light and a brown door, the parking lot at the Pizza Patron is the place to be.

El Presidente Pizzaroni Antonio Swad, thinking a lot of Latinos eat there, said “We know they come from Mexico and have pesos left over. We want to be a convenient place for them to spend their pesos.”.

Latino and illegal are not synonymous, dickhead, Im Latino and you just lost my business forever. Welcome to the boycott, pito.

I’d be happy if I could find a Pizza Patron with toilet paper. Maybe having a bunch of pesos around is cheaper than buying poop tickets. There is going to be a bunch of guys all bent out of shape about this and why? Because some place with bad food wants to take a practically useless currency? Sounds good to me. There has been a couple of times in my life Ive eaten at places so bad I wanted to pay in corn cobs.

This seems natural, annoying, but natural. We’ve been taking it so easy on big companies that hire illegals for so long (and Im looking at you Wal-Mart) that this kind stuff is bound to happen.

You know what else is bound to happen? Bill O’Liely, Neil Cavutto, Sean Hannity, and the rest of the “BE VERY AFRIAD WHITE AMERICA” jack holes are going to make this the biggest story of the month.

A crappy pizza place is now taking pesos. EVERYONE PANIC. I promise you. You will hear about this until another hot white girl goes missing on spring break and I for one am FedExing a case of roofies to the Bahamas right now. No need to thank me; I want this off the front page.

Know what a real big story is? A bonifide EVERYONE PANIC? Here is one: some army reserve units are on their 3rd nearly 4th tours of Iraq. Oh yeah. They go over and get attached to this unit or that and while the main unit might rotate back, the guardsmen get stuck there. Sort of floating around in the most dangerous place on Earth. Wanna read a book about it? Pick up “The Last True Story I’ll Ever Tell.” by John Crawford.

Tell me which is a bigger deal and if you say pizza your head in plastic bag and don’t remove it until you are dead.

So they want to take pesos its their deal. But they are not aloud to bitch when they start getting counterfeit pesos from guys with counterfeit work papers; seems perfectly poetic to me.

Six Mile Cypress

2006-11-26T07:21:52Z

Ive worked with a lot of guys over the years and only one who had what it takes to go national. He died a few days ago.

The Water Measure gives us the saying,

"Three lousy generals, defeat one Zhuge Liang."

I think that's what happened to Joe. Lesser minds, and there are several where he worked, conspired against him. Given no end of hindrance and the opposite of assitance he failed at something he should have succeeded at. The jealousy of the massed less talented can be a dire weapon.

You cocks had better be dancing on his grave; you never would have taken him out in a fair fight.

Ken Rodgers Roasters

2006-11-22T07:56:00Z

When did we become such big sissies?

A couple of tools went to the comedy club and heckled the comic who then said something that hurt their feelings. Thats the way things go; you interupt the show you get yelled at.

Its not like this guy is wandering around in real life going,

"Sooo...whos up for burning a cross?".

Hes not a racist. Hes unimaginative.

The isnt not that he used the N word its that all he could think of was using the N word. N this N that N a third thing; he needs to learn to mix it up.

"You guys think your funny? I think yr a couple of N's. Thats right--no class N's drinking too many drinks and running thier mouths. These people arnt here to see you they are here to see me. I'd say you better get home to watch your kids but who has time to run down all the paternity suits. I know, maybe you could use my truck to get around--Ive got Texas style seating off the back bumper you'd enjoy. Shut the F up so I can do the show or get the hell out."

See? Thats much better.

G13

2006-11-12T05:27:06Z

I rode my Harley to the comic book store wearing my Slayer shirt and bought everything I wanted. While I was there the all the worker girls there were glued to me like perverts at a cosplay convention.

My 17 year old self would have thought I was very cool.

Scotch Tape

2006-11-08T21:00:58Z

I woke up this morning and America seemed less crazy.

Chicken Dinner

2006-10-30T06:25:58Z

I burst into laughter. Full, deep, bright peals of merriment. Past years I marked, unconsciously, the date of my birth the stoical way that flowers are laid before the cenotaph. I wasnt celebrating my life but marking that the grave, as of yet, is unfilled.

I had passed another year and had not lost hope or died and I reflected, almost in memoriam, upon the day I was born. I would think about what I had learned over the past year and most often it was that Im pretty tough and willing to be the only one in the room, the station, the town, the state, that is right and I wondered how much longer I could hold on. My faith in me was measured in grams and I was unsure of how much more I had.

I didnt write on my birthday this year.

Riding down the road on a ridiculous machine of iron and chrome I laughed. I laughed at excess of it. I laughed at the worry it didnt bring me. I laughed at a bank account I cant seem to empty and I laughed at the fools who were so wrong. I laughed at my good fortune and I laughed because Ive not changed in 17 years but, at last, the broadcasting world has caught up with me.

Most of all I laughed because I could. I had been right and everyone else had been wrong. I have, again, achieved a level of success my detractors never will

I turned thirty-six twenty days ago and Im looking forward to the future more than I ever have.
ever have.