Purple Spots
I miss mom so much right now. Im scared because of my chest hurting all the time; Im going to a new set of doctors asap for a different set of eyes on it. I want so much for her to be here so she can, well, be my mom.

Im very afraid that Im sick. I wonder if this is what happens, you know? You have a heart attack and things arnt normal ever again. I accept that I wont live as long as I might have but...I just dont want to be sick and I dont want to die.

So Im frightened but this is what being an adult is and I have no illusions about it. But its not just my fear that is driving my sadness. For many years I had, with no one knowing, used her as my motivation. I would tell people "Im not aloud to die until my mother does." and I used the idea of not causing her any worry as motivation through some grim times.

But now that shes gone Im casting about looking for "the why" to keep going. I know that I dont love life so much as I fear death and my only wish was that I would outlive her so that she would not suffer as her mother is suffering now.

So my chest hurts. My left arm aches. And I miss my mother.