Agent Provocateur (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} fitzmadrid) wrote,@ 2008-03-25 04:44:00 |
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Sooner than later
Ive been told shes screaming a lot and flailing her arms; a 24 hour nurse will be coming tomorrow. My work has said I may go for as long as I need when I need to but I just dont want to until after.
Ive already said good bye.
I heard her speak to me one last time.
I know what I need to do once shes gone.
Do I really need to be there the moment it happens? I wonder if she would know me. Im selfish because my dread of seeing her this way is overmastering my desire to ease her passing. Im not sure that being there would make her feel better but I know that being there would make me feel worse. I told Barry to call me when it seems close. I want to be there but I also want him to call too late.
Ive been taking a lot of pills recently; nothing off prescription but more than I took when I was in Florida. Easter was very difficult for me as if anything can be difficult compared to what Barry is going through.
A good childhood friend of mines brother killed himself a few days after their father died of natural causes. Buck was so sad and heart sick that he took his own life the grief driven him mad. My beliefs mandate that Buck is now in hell being tormented by satans minions for the rest of the rest of everything.
In Hell. Forever. For a terrible mistake brought on by insanity and rending sadness. How can God not forgive his flawed children for being flawed? What Buck did was terrible but it was an error that is cheapened by putting tragic near it. But in hell? With Hitler? And the unknown rapists and murderers of genocidal Africa? God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, all of them together, separate, and as One are love and forgiveness and yet Buck is forever riven from them because of one awful and terrible act.
In those moments I had a crisis of faith that I have never quite recovered from. And now that my mother is getting ready to leave this world I think that shes not leaving this world at all.
She will simply stop. Stop like a bird falling from the sky stop like a fish floating to the surface stop like a deer putting its head down in the bush stop like a sound that ends and does not reverberate.
My whole life my mother has been of one mind and being and now at the end I dont recognize her and cant remember her being any other way than she is now. Her mind if filling with tumors and as they grow she receeds; as they grow my memories of her disappear.
I dont want to go to San Diego; I want what I remember of my mother to remain. This is my selfishness.
Ive been told shes screaming a lot and flailing her arms; a 24 hour nurse will be coming tomorrow. My work has said I may go for as long as I need when I need to but I just dont want to until after.
Ive already said good bye.
I heard her speak to me one last time.
I know what I need to do once shes gone.
Do I really need to be there the moment it happens? I wonder if she would know me. Im selfish because my dread of seeing her this way is overmastering my desire to ease her passing. Im not sure that being there would make her feel better but I know that being there would make me feel worse. I told Barry to call me when it seems close. I want to be there but I also want him to call too late.
Ive been taking a lot of pills recently; nothing off prescription but more than I took when I was in Florida. Easter was very difficult for me as if anything can be difficult compared to what Barry is going through.
A good childhood friend of mines brother killed himself a few days after their father died of natural causes. Buck was so sad and heart sick that he took his own life the grief driven him mad. My beliefs mandate that Buck is now in hell being tormented by satans minions for the rest of the rest of everything.
In Hell. Forever. For a terrible mistake brought on by insanity and rending sadness. How can God not forgive his flawed children for being flawed? What Buck did was terrible but it was an error that is cheapened by putting tragic near it. But in hell? With Hitler? And the unknown rapists and murderers of genocidal Africa? God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, all of them together, separate, and as One are love and forgiveness and yet Buck is forever riven from them because of one awful and terrible act.
In those moments I had a crisis of faith that I have never quite recovered from. And now that my mother is getting ready to leave this world I think that shes not leaving this world at all.
She will simply stop. Stop like a bird falling from the sky stop like a fish floating to the surface stop like a deer putting its head down in the bush stop like a sound that ends and does not reverberate.
My whole life my mother has been of one mind and being and now at the end I dont recognize her and cant remember her being any other way than she is now. Her mind if filling with tumors and as they grow she receeds; as they grow my memories of her disappear.
I dont want to go to San Diego; I want what I remember of my mother to remain. This is my selfishness.
